I can't seem to catch a break

I can't seem to catch a break

I feel like I need a good cry. I think it'll make me feel better. But I can't seem to. It's not easy to cry on demand!

After my panic attack on Friday, I've been fairly Okaaaay. It happened after many months, and I've been confused as to what brought it on. And then there's the thought of, "When will it happen again?" I've been kept busy with work and have spent my evenings writing / blogging. It has become like therapy for me, and the other day I was up at 6am writing!

My family & close friends will know what absolute hell I went through at the beginning of last month with my hard drive drama. I blogged about it a lot (more therapy) - Crash Boom Bang.

Basically, my hard drive fell on the floor. (I get shivers just thinking back to it) I told my IT guy (Mr Kim) that I'd pay ANYTHING to have my data recovered. In fact, I didn't care about anything else on it, except for the one folder titled PHOTOS.

...and before you go on telling me that I should have had a back-up, I'd already asked Mr Kim for another hard drive to back up my data. And it was going to happen within a few days. (My best photos are saved online, but the quality has been lost due to images being reduced)

Only those close to me know how I value my camera and everything it has seen with me on my travels. So I was really feeling devastated.


I've been waiting patiently to hear from Mr Kim. He keeps telling me that the "company more time need" I've kept my hopes high. If they're keeping it for so long, surely I'll get good news? It was going to cost me a lot ($500 US) but I was told that about 90% of my data may be recovered.

So... about two and a half hours ago:

A few minutes before leaving work, my co-teacher tells me about lesson plans she needs by early next week. I leave work at 5pm and the sky is grey - which I hate. I'm walking quickly, but am happy to see Mr Kim pull in. He rolls down the window on the passenger side of his car. He rambles something to me in Korean with a sympathetic look on his face. He pulls over and gets out...talking more.

"My data... no?"
In my mind, I'm praying: "Please, I've had a crap week. Do NOT give me bad news. Please."

He says something I can't understand. But doesn't sound good. He's very expressive with his eys and I catch on quickly.

When I tell him that ALL I want is just my photos in my PHOTOS FOLDER, he looks at me with an expression that gives me a bit of hope. I want to cry right there in the car parking lot. But it's not easy for me to cry in front of people. He tells me he'll come and see me tomorrow to show me what has been saved. I thank him profusely. I know he's tried his best and so far, has always come through for me with any tech issues I've had.

I start walking out the school gates and Yong-un is leaving school as well. He's with another teacher. We still haven't spoken. In all fairness, the teachers have been very busy at school this week, but then again - I always seem to make excuses for him. So I'm feeling a bit distant from him...again.

On my way home, my eyes feel hot with tears welling up, but the cold air stops the tears from falling. I stop to buy something at the grocery store, but feel like I'm out of my body. I drag myself to my apartment. Going to gym is the farthest thing from my mind. I imagine Seo-gyun is waiting for me!

I can't seem to catch a break this week.

I can't vent or cry to anyone here, and the one person I used to be able to do that with has gone off the radar since she got married (very suddenly) a month ago.

So I turn to my humble little abode in cyberspace - my blog, which is basically my public journal. At least this is my space where I can vent and scream as much as I want to.

I can't imagine living in Korea without the internet. I'm so grateful to my friends all over the world - America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, UK, India and ...of course, South Africa. On nights that I'm at home, I'm kept company by my cyber friends - some of whom I've never even met before.

Thank you...