PA Part 2 - "I think you need medicine"

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PA Part 1 - F*ck no! Not here. Not now.

It feels like a force takes over my body. Every inch of it. From my fingertips to my eyebrows to the pit of my stomach. It's like the devil has come to play in my body.

My heart starts racing and I'm breathing heavily. I try to keep my cool and not draw attention to me, but there are people everywhere and it feels like they're all staring. Yong-un pulls me aside and hits my arms.

"Sheetal! It's just me now, are you OK?"

I need to get out of that fish market. The head teacher asks Yong-un to take me away. A scooter drives by and I tense up even more after it makes its noisy way past me.

"I think you need medicine," he tells me.
I'm walking as if I'm drunk and if it's not for him helping me, I feel like I could just collapse right there in the middle of the fish market.

Must I tell him what's happening to me? If I do, my Korean colleagues will know that I get panic attacks. What I've kept to myself for the past 2 years of living here will be known to people I see and work with everyday. Knowing how paranoid some people can be of conditions like this, I decided before coming here that I would keep this information to myself.

My doctor says casually, "Having panic attacks is like having asthma" It's more common than we think. And he also told me to always remind myself that I WILL NOT DIE from it.

It's been months since I last had an episode. I've not allowed it to hinder my life in any way, and I don't think it's necessary to randomly tell my colleagues and acquaintances about it. Although I do believe that friends should be aware so that they know how to react when an attack occurs.

I remember my doctor telling my parents not to 'baby' me in that condition, because I have a tendency to regress to the behaviour of a child. The first time I had a panic attack in 2003, I regressed to a 3-year-old child.

I close my eyes as I walk. My legs feel like they're made of lead. It's too much effort to walk. I just want to collapse in the puddles of water I'm walking through. I want to tell Yong-un that my body is weak. I can see the concern on his face and I feel a pinch of guilt.

Should I just let him take me to the pharmacy? I try telling him something, but my tongue has a mind of its own and won't let the words out. I want to tell him that I know what's happening to me. But then he pushes me in the direction of the pharmacy door.

Must give Korea credit for being one of the most convenient countries with pharmacies and stores on nearly every block.

Also, it may be frustrating for us both if I try to explain all this to him now. I'm not that close to the other teachers in the group (there are 10 of us out) and I don't think it's important for them to know all this about me. I do want to tell Yong-un that it's a panic attack, but he's already talking to the pharmacist.

He asks Yong-un something in Korean.
"Does your body ache?" he asks me.
I shake my head but touch my neck saying that the muscles are tight.
The pharmacist puts two boxes of tablets down with a small bottle of a Korean drink.
Apparently, it will calm me down. That's all I need. To calm down. So I take it, but I want to be outside.

PA Part 3 - "I think your mind isn't good now"