Keeping it real

Exactly two weeks ago at this time, I was being wheeled into surgery #1. This pic was sent to my mum (smiling under my mask) to ensure her I was okay. But I can’t explain the fear that erupted in my body. 

Videos of people falling or girls tripping in high heels always gives me shivers. I’ve always had a fear of falling and breaking something. Sometimes when I close my eyes I have these flashbacks - seeing myself from behind, walking and slipping - the epitome of a freak accident.

For the most part, I’m in a fairly good mental state and keeping positive, but I also want to be real.

I need to keep this boot on day & night and I battle falling asleep at night. We open it up twice a day for fresh air and to wiggle my toes. Can you imagine how frightening it was when I was asked to do this and I could barely move them? My swelling has gone down which makes it slightly easier, but I can’t bend them completely just yet.

Going to the bathroom is exhausting and I am so relieved when I reach the sofa in the morning or the bed at the end of the day. For the few times we need to be out, it’s scary going from the door to the car and back again with crutches as my legs are still weak.

Little things trigger me - certain sounds, too much activity, or even comments that I know people don’t mean. This morning the nurse who came to administer my Thrombosis injection told me I looked tired. I hadn’t finished getting myself done for the day. Of course she didn’t mean anything by it, but I didn’t need to hear the obvious. I’ve teared in front of strangers (like at the hairdresser when it was so hard for me to get up one step to reach the washing station). 

I honestly have no choice but to slow down now and rest. I keep reminding myself that it could have been worse. I am well aware that I have much to be grateful for. 🙏🏼❤️